Dear Princess Celestia,

What up my Prizz-bitch? Dude, you’ll never freakin’ guess what your number one student did (and I’m not even being sarcastic, she’s killing it over here). She gave me a horn! Yeah, she was trying to something else, I think she was trying to turn me into a stallion so she could have sex with me without feeling weird like she’s always wanted to. Don’t you give me that fucking look, Spike. You know she wants it. But anyway, that’s not what happened. She didn’t give me a dick, she gave me a HORN! How awesome is that?! You thought I was the shit before, you haven’t seen nothin’!

Ohmigosh, wait! If I’m an Alicorn now, that makes me a Princess right? Holy shit. I’m a Princess now! Okay, on that note I request a bunch of those stallion guard thingies, and make sure at least three of them are well-hung. Oh, and a couple of cute maids would be awesome too. Not as awesome as me though.

Sincerely,

The Princess of Awesomeness.

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Rainbow Dash, while I am glad to hear about how happy you are being an Alicorn, I would be more concerned of the effects it might have had on you. Are you certain that you’ve no negative symptoms or members growths? I certainly hope that Twilight will be able to right this soon.

And as for your being a Princess, I’m afraid that’s simply not possible. You will not be receiving any guards or maids. I’m sure Twilight will have you back to normal very soon.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia.

My Dearest Twilight,

whAT HAVE YOU DONE? Are you aware of the letter your friend just sent to me? She's demanding well-hung guards and slutty maids! We cannot spare these things, Twilight. Four princesses means we need all of the help we can get with our.. needs. Even with Cadence being married to your brother, my Luna's sex drive is still enough for two Alicorns.

What kind of spell were you trying to do, Twilight? If you wanted to have sex, all you had to do was come to me, I have many a stallion who would be more than eager to please a Princess!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia.

PS. Do you know how well-equipped Applejack's brother is? I may need to have a word with him.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am so, so sorry! I told Rainbow Dash not to let it go to her head, but she wouldn't listen! She keeps going on and on about how awesome she is, not to mention she's trying to bribe Spike with power if he sends an order to Saddle Arabia for hoof-sewn silk curtains for her castle.

Also, how does my sex drive come into this? What does the spell I was trying to do have anything with sex? I was trying out a new spell I've been working on that enhances wing power. Perhaps your sex-drive is too strong, Princess. Might wanna get one your "guards" on that.

And no, I do not know anything about Big Macintosh.

Sincerely,

Your Not-Sexually-Frustrated-Fellow-Princess, Twilight Sparkle

PS. Cool it with the sex talk, Spike's upstairs taking a cold shower, so I'm having to write this myself.

Dear Princess Celestia

Whatever you say, Celly. And I wouldn't put too much faith in Twi about finding a reverse spell. She's been searching all day and hasn't found shit. Plus, what about my castle? I can't let it go to waste. I'm having it built as we speak, it's gonna be so wicked! Half cloud and half brick, how do you like that? And hey, who was the one who made your tapeystrees tapatrys cloth things? I need some for my castle. Rarity's cool and all, but she'll try and change everything I want done and she'll piss me off, so yeah you see my problem here.

Oh, and nix the guards and maids anyway, Celly. Imma try to pay Applejack to knock out Macintosh and bring him to my castle when it's finished.

Sincerely,

The Princess of Awesomeness

Dear Princess Celestia,

Celestia, please help. Rainbow Dash is constructing a castle outside the library. She's saying we can be Princess buddies, and this is something I am not ready for. I am perfectly happy with being a close friend and slight authoritative figure. Besides, do you know how small Ponyville is? We can't have two castles right next to each other, it'll more cramped than a confessional on Hearths Warming Eve!

You're Princess Celestia, do you really not know a spell that can revert accidental Alicorny-ness?

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle

Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I am writing to you while my sister, ahem, "de-stresses" and I've a feeling you know as well as I what this means.

As far as reverting Alicorn wings goes, I was not even aware of a spell that could gift Alicorn status in the first place! Alicorn status is gifted through one's own magic. If you will remember correctly, Celestia did not perform a spell on you upon earning yours.

Also, I am sorry to hear about your sexual frustration; being on the Moon for a thousand years, I know how it feels to be starved for attention. Have you ever the need, I would be more than willing to offer my body to you.

Regards,

The Princess of the Night

Dear Mayor Mare,

Can you send the police to the farm? Rainbow Dash has been tryin' to get to Big Macintosh for over an hour now. He's right scared.

Sincerely,

Applejack

Princess Luna

Oh for the love of Thank you for your offer, Princess Luna, but I do not need help in that area, really. And if I were, that's not my biggest problem right now. My problem is that there s a crazed Alicorn tearing the town to pieces! Rarity was just in here reporting that her shop had been ransacked for fabrics because Spike wasn't able to get the silk from Saddle Arabia. Do you know how hard it is to cast a freeze spell on the entirety of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club?

Speaking of which, Rainbow Dash has recruited children to do her bidding! CHILDREN! Is this not considered, like, threat level red yet? There is literally a sweatshop filled with foals. I've tried taking them out of there but their loyalty to her is astounding! They just keep going back! Please, send help as soon as you can.

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Who needs Royal Guards when you've got Royal Fans? These guys do whatever I say, it's great! Your little army is nothing matched against mine! When you get the chance, I wanna schedule a meeting to discuss the relationship between our kingdoms.

The Mayor gave up pretty easily. Guess I was just too cool for her.

Sincerely,

The Founder and Leader of Rainbow Land, The Princess of Awesomeness

Rainbow Dash,

Excuse my bluntness but are you out of your mind? You do not "own" Ponyville, you cannot force children to do your dirtywork, and you are NOT A PRINCESS! This has spun far too out of control, I will be there shortly to set things right.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S Please leave Big Mactintosh alone. If you won't be subtle, at least be consensual.

Dear Princess Luna,

So... did you have a place in mind where we can meet?

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle